


But I Don't Recognize Us Anymore

by stargazerdaisy



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-08
Updated: 2016-01-08
Packaged: 2018-05-12 16:02:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5671867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stargazerdaisy/pseuds/stargazerdaisy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"She knew why they were there, he wanted to know more about Ward.  There wasn’t much she hadn’t told him, in terms of concrete information.  But her own feelings?  Those were hers and not easy to give up and expose to someone else, even someone she loved as much as Coulson."</p>
<p>My exploration of what Daisy might have been thinking during the interrogation scene in 3x09 "Closure".</p>
            </blockquote>





	But I Don't Recognize Us Anymore

**Author's Note:**

> Major thank you to Evieoh for being my sounding board and a wonderful beta, throughout the entire process. The amount of messaging about this all was intense. And to serenity-sea as well for being my cheerleader and encouraging me even when I was feeling really lackluster about it.

Daisy took a deep breath as she walked into the interrogation room. Coulson was sitting placidly at the table, watching her with a blank expression as she sat down across from him. She knew why they were there, he wanted to know more about Ward. There wasn’t much she hadn’t told him, in terms of concrete information. But her own feelings? Those were hers and not easy to give up and expose to someone else, even someone she loved as much as Coulson. 

It had been a year and a half since Hydra was revealed and Ward’s deception came to light. So much had changed in that time. She had become a SHIELD agent, gained Inhuman powers, found her family, shot four bullets into the man she once wanted to love, and been abandoned how many more times? That time and distance and the ever growing list of betrayals had given her a different perspective. She wasn’t the angry girl she had been a year ago. She wasn’t the lost young woman she had been eight months ago. She knew who she was and how she’d gotten there. But it still shocked her sometimes, the trajectory her life had taken. 

He didn’t say anything, just looked at her. Knowing he was grieving, she wanted to offer comfort, as he had given to her so many times. Daisy reached out for his hand and started quietly, “I don’t know what to say.” 

He didn’t move a muscle, just replied, “Then just answer the questions.” 

Even though she hid the flinch from showing on her face, she felt it in her heart. Her hand moved back, clearly he didn’t want or need her comfort. Once again, she was the little girl that no one wanted. If he didn’t want her compassion, maybe she could offer something else, “Sure. But I doubt there’s anything else you don’t already know.” 

What else was there for her to say? Coulson had been there, he knew what happened. She never hid the facts from him. 

There was no mistaking the authoritarian tone to his voice, “I’ve heard all about how Ward fell for you. Now explain to me how you fell for him.”

There it was: he wanted her to lay her soul bare in front of him and allow him to pick through it without any delicacy or empathy for what it was. She was just an asset for him; someone to be used for information. 

The circumstances of her life had changed dramatically. But somehow, what was worse was how all the people she cared for had changed. When she stumbled into the SHIELD life, she didn’t really have anyone. Miles was kind of there, but not an active part of her life. Coming on board the BUS gave her a whole set of people who cared for and about her. She had people to come back to at the end of the day, people to share meals with, people to worry if she got sick or injured, people who had expectations for her and wanted her to do her best, people she was accountable to and that were accountable to her. They were her family. She finally belonged somewhere. 

The fall of SHIELD and reveal of Hydra started them on a journey no one could have predicted. 

Where they used to be traveling the same road, all of a sudden their paths diverged. Fitz suffered a devastating injury, and yet fought so hard to recover from it. He had matured and learned how to protect those he loved, that he didn’t have to depend on someone else. But he also had found that sometimes that meant protecting them from each other. 

The Simmons that Daisy had first met was the worst liar ever. She wanted to follow the rules because it made her feel nice. Then somehow she’d gone undercover, at Hydra of all places, and succeeded, until exposed by Raina. What made her able to survive the time undercover had hardened her permanently. Bits and pieces of the soft, cheerful, compassionate Jemma had flown away and left behind a Dr. Simmons who sought after order and control, regardless of what it did to the person behind the puzzle. That Simmons feared and wanted to stop whatever she couldn’t understand and contain. Then right when they had the chance to possibly repair their fraught relationship, Jemma disappeared, missing for months. The Jemma that returned from that barren planet was a broken Jemma. All of her energy was focused on re-acclimating to her life on Earth and on rescuing Will. The only ones privy to her true feelings and thoughts were Fitz and Dr. Garner (which turned into a whole mess of its own there). Daisy's hopes for getting back her best friend had been extinguished yet again.

May had always been a strong, silent woman. She didn’t give much away and chose her words carefully. That hadn’t changed. But she was no longer the calm, centered pilot who was very selective about when she engaged in combat and only ever took a firearm when she felt it was warranted (which initially was rarely). May now grabbed a gun first and didn’t hesitate to fight her way in/through/out. Yes, she was still quiet, but it was a much less serene silence. There was a hollowness yet also a seething anger beneath her calm demeanor. She didn’t even do her Tai Chi anymore. Gone are the days when she would spend her time centering herself in solitude. Now it was only sparring or other training in the gym, as if she was trying to fight all the demons and threats, whether they were coming from the outside or inside. 

And then there’s Coulson. Even though she’d first met him by him taking her into custody, she had trusted in him, trusted that he was good man. He looked for the good in everyone, believed in how they could help others, and gave second chances. He knew there was often a deeper explanation for when someone did something bad. Everyone else had been willing to write off Akela Amador as a lost cause, that she had purposefully turned against SHIELD and the ideals she once espoused. But Coulson’s stubborn belief in her kept the team digging until they uncovered what had been done to her. If it wasn’t for him, she would either still be a puppet for Hydra or she’d have been taken out. Hell, Coulson had given Daisy herself a second chance after the disaster with Miles. He wasn’t happy with what she’d done, he didn’t let her off the hook immediately, but he was willing to give her a chance to earn back the trust of the team and dedicate herself to SHIELD’s mission. 

What about Ward’s betrayal inspired such a different reaction? Was it because they were so much closer by that time? Was it because Ward’s action had devastated the rest of the team, these people that Coulson loved as his family? Was it because Garrett was dead and couldn’t be punished anymore, but Ward was still there and able to serve as proxy for both his own and Garrett’s sins? Was he trying to drown out the crushing guilt of not being able to save Ward from Garrett? 

The reveal of Hydra and fall of SHIELD weren’t the only things that changed him, but they were the beginning of several small changes. Without the backup of a massive organization, Coulson had to make compromises on how he got work done. Mercenaries, freshly minted agents with little to no supervision, and shady dealings with government officials all became part of Coulson’s new SHIELD. For a man so frustrated, and at time enraged, by Fury’s secrets and hidden information, Phil sure kept many secrets of his own. 

And he was so busy, he rarely had time for Daisy. The man she had begun to adore as a father could only spare a few minutes here and there to talk with her about something other than the next mission to be accomplished. She missed the easy smiles she could pull from him in the BUS days. Now it was awkward just giving him a hug. 

Daisy took a deep breath, struggling the find the best way to rein her feelings into coherent thoughts. “There was just something about him. We both had these messed up childhoods; made it easy to relate.” _We both knew how it felt to want to belong, she thought, to want a family and a safe place._

“Have you considered that all of that could have been an act to get close? That maybe he found a weakness and exploited it?”

For all the uncertainty in this moment, this is one thing about which she can be confident. “It wasn’t an act. For whatever reason, Ward never lied to me. He just hid parts of himself that I wasn’t ready to see yet.” 

“Yet?”

How could she explain this? If you hadn’t spent your life disguising who you really are, you just couldn’t understand how necessary it is for people like her and Grant. They were never able to be themselves. They always had to put up a front, maintain a certain image, only show what the world wanted to see. Coulson didn’t learn how to mask his pain, physical or emotional, from his infancy. He never had to face every day knowing he didn’t have a family who loved him. He grew up with parents who tried to protect him and show him, by example, how to be a good person. Yes, there had been grief and heartbreak, but that was very different from never having that foundation of love and safety in the first place. 

“When you grow up like we did, it impacts how you see the world. Everything is filtered through a very specific lens. And Ward got that. It’s why he thought he could make me understand him.” _And oh, how I do._

“Was he right?” So blunt and direct. It took all her strength not to shrink back from his unforgiving words. He was leaving no room for understanding, no possible flexibility, no opportunity to examine the space in between right and wrong. 

Well, if Coulson didn’t want to acknowledge the grey, then she would. Because it was there and important and it was impossible to ignore. 

“Probably.” 

_Yes._

“After years of moving from place to place, I totally get how easy it was for him to be taken in by a powerful father figure.” 

_Like how I was with you. Didn’t you ‘rescue’ me from a life that was going nowhere, isolate me from anyone I knew before, and try to remake me in your image? And I let you. You convinced me to be loyal to SHIELD even though I had been working against them for years. SHIELD didn’t change to fit my ideals, I changed my ideals to fit SHIELD. I didn’t even realize it was happening, the subtle chipping away at what I thought was my solid view of the world and my place in it. SHIELD spent over a year chiseling cracks in my armor, leaving the perfect opportunity for my mother to slip through. It only took her a few weeks to convince me to turn my back on the first family that had (seemingly) accepted me. And Garrett had so many years to do that with Ward._

“I even understand how Garrett was able to draw him into Hydra. It’s not like I wasn’t fooled by my mom when she---”

Coulson interrupted her before she could complete her thought, “Sounds like there’s a lot you’re willing to forgive.” His rigidity reared its ugly head again; his single-mindedness over Ward and intolerance for any other subject apparent. He just wasn’t listening. He wasn’t understanding anything she was saying. He didn’t want to. Daisy felt the shaky terrain they were on shift under her again. If Coulson didn’t want to understand Ward, but thought she sympathized with him, what would that do to his perception of her? Her understanding of Ward didn’t change what he did, didn’t magically repair the damage done to her and everyone else, or make her believe he made the right choices along the way. 

“I will never forgive him. He murdered Rosalind just to hurt you. He killed Koenig-” she took a deep breath before her voice broke. Looking up to the ceiling, she started again, “He killed Koenig because of me.” Speaking out loud what she had known in her heart for a while was every bit as painful as she expected. Those shards of glass burrowed just a little deeper into her soul. 

“He knew once Koenig outed him as Hydra, he’d lose you.” 

“And the sad part is, that’s when I finally understood him for the first time. The reason Ward kills isn’t because he feels nothing. It’s because he feels too much.”

_**I feel too much.** I try to hide it so I can be the soldier you want, but I can’t help it. My entire life has been one of rejection. I thought SHIELD was going to be the family that would stick, the one that wouldn't send me back or discard me when I became inconvenient. But here we are. I'm just here for you to use in whatever way benefits you. And you don't even see it. I’ve changed so much about myself, for you. Skye, the naive hacker who fell for the traitor, is gone. I'm giving you Agent Daisy Johnson, the competent SHIELD agent who follows the rules and obeys the director without much challenge. Will I ever be enough for you?_

That was it. That was everything she could give him. Coulson gathered up his papers and walked out of the room without a second glance. Daisy sat there a moment longer, just breathing, before she gathered up her broken pieces and put them back together, knowing they would never quite fit the same way again.


End file.
